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Nov. 10th, 2009 @ 12:18 am Tosca
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Matchbox 20 - Push
Tags:
Act 1.
Escape from a prison of self-creation. Running from everything I know I find a place of salvation. A house of god... a house to hide in.
Hiding in my house I search for a way out, a path to escape.
People are there with me, offer to help, secretly I know I need to be alone in my efforts.

Act 2.
Twist and bend others will and beliefs. Show them their thoughts are not their own and why they should love the way you want them to. Take pleasure in the way you can manipulate them... Then it turns on you, retreat away and hide again, as the mayhem falls around you. Betrayal, and lies. in a cache of volumes something is done which cannot be undone. Something is changed which will never be the same again.

Act 3.
Hear the bells of a timeless age. Reflect on what you once had and what was gone to never be again. Look forward and see nothing through the cloudy mist, only the specters of what once was. Write a letter and hope that for someone salvation will be found. Just like the painting of the Madonna from what now seems a lifetime ago; some things are stuck like the paint on canvas. what was done has been set and will never be undone. Yet you look forward, you see the other come around the corner. Shout your dispassion and take a leap of faith. The life on the other side is a better one than what you have here.

"It is the fear of what comes after the doing that makes the doing hard to do. But you can usually live with the consequences"

Tony Kushner

It's not my quote. and sometimes only the first half really seems to apply. Sometimes there is just so much emotion that there isn't a way to feel it. it comes in waves and there's no reason for it to be there, it just is. The past creeps up and like a wave washes me with a salty brine. I feel carried out by the tide. drowning and suffering in a relentless torrent of salt and water.

I know in the end i will be clean and have a breath. be sitting on a beautiful shore with a sunset and peace. But the calm seems so far off when all you hear is the wind, all you see is the storm, all you feel is the thunder and all you can do is fear what is around you. Even if all that is there is nothing at all.




She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

Well I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
'cuz It's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged you,
And you don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this Baby, baby

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna take you, take you, yeah, well I will, I will, I will, I will
I will, I will, I will, Yeah, yeah, push you around,
I'll drag you down, I wanna push you around
Well I will
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Feb. 26th, 2009 @ 12:19 am What is a friend?
Current Location: My Bedroom
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Clubbed to Death - Rob Dougan
Tags: , , , ,
Really? What is a friend?

Certainly more than just someone you spend time with. There is a connection, a feeling, a trust and a bond.

Friendship is a relationship. It is a part of your life, your heart, and your soul that you invest in another person. It is a hope that through the intertwining of your lives you will build more together than you could alone. There is a love between friends. A love i'm learning more and more is distinct from the love of a romance.

Romantic love tries to intertwine its way into a friendship. the closer and stronger the friendship the easier it is for that romance to build up. However the repercussions of a romance are far deeper and have a much larger impact on your being than anything else.

Friendships don't really ever die. Time, space, Jobs, Stress, anything can come in the way and they may separate but when you go for coffee nothing is really lost. Romance ends with a fury. The heightened emotion takes its toll at the ending and by the time that romance burns out the friendship it was so entwined with is generally left as nothing but ash and cinders as well.

Maybe there's a way to keep them distinct, or a way to end one without crushing the other. However I don't expect to find it. I live my life day by day and include emotion in it. It often hurts and often ends poorly, however even in ending poorly is it really a life if you deny yourself the experiences of living? I agrue it is not.

I don't feel sorry for many of the things that I have done. there are a few, however I believe that I can only judge myself for the knowledge and reference i had at the time the decision was made, and at the end of that there is only one thing in my life i truly regret.

...

There are some people that I terribly miss. Their absences in my life are voids that I don't believe I will ever find a way to repair. Maybe having that abscess is a reminder to enjoy the relationships i do have. Maybe they exist so that I have a constant method of assurance that the drama and pains of existing relationships are worth the debate and heartache?

Or maybe I have done terrible things to people I care about, Maybe there has been so much hurt caused that although i cannot see it the hurt in me exists because the hurt in them is so much greater? Maybe the void exists because when they distanced themselves it was for reasons I do not know, but the repercussions i deserve to feel? I don't have an answer, but i fear this possibility.

Life has such richness in it, so much to offer, so much to take away. The only things which are truly important to me are the people in my life. Take it all away, everything except my family and my friends and I will still survive, take the people i love and care about away, and my house becomes an empty shell, a reminder of what was, the city a forlorn place of remembrance, and life a constant reminder of what i am missing.

.......

Late night ramblings when I've not had enough sleep. . . Sorry for the ramblings, I probably don't deserve to waste your time with my words.
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Feb. 18th, 2009 @ 11:30 pm Uncomfertable feeling
Current Mood: discontent
I got that feeling tonight like something really bad is going on.

Don't know what it is, or why, but it's being very persistant.

hrm....
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Jan. 30th, 2009 @ 05:27 pm Drama
Current Location: home
Current Mood: irritated
Tags: , ,
For as much as she says she hates it she sure does cause a lot of drama...

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of caring about her. I don't care anymore. I feel like I should because of our friendship and the repercussions which will ebb through our mutual friends, but it's this big weight and it feels like it's crushing me...
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Jan. 20th, 2009 @ 10:40 pm A Day for change... and death
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Zero-sum - Nine Inch Nails
Tags: , ,
Wow, what a day. America's first black president.

My big question about it? Why does it matter? In a country where "everyone is equal" we sure do still put a lot of emphasis on the subject of race. I have this point of view from a very young voter, I've never seen an America with separate water fountains, I've never expected a black woman to give up her seat on the bus for me (I thought I was supposed to give it up to her, being a gentleman and all?).

Congratulations to a great man, I hope you will live up to at least most of the expectations we have for you, and you have for yourself. I hope you don't get jaded by the process and can actually get something done in the "old boys club" that is the United States government. If nothing else i think it is a great thing that things will change!

Now, On a much more somber note...

Angela's dog was put down today. She's had "Oreo" for years and years. I guess she was technically her moms dog, but still, that distinction doesn't really exist too much when it's a family pet, or when it's your parents pet even if you don't live at home.

Also a friends bother died the other day as well. I heard about it today even though it happened Sunday. It seems like the older I get the more frequently people I know die. I don't think I really KNOW more people than I did before. I mean the vast majority of people I knew and was friends with in High school i never talk to anymore, so different people have replaced them but the actual number is roughly the same... so i'd expect the death rate to be similar as well. . . at least for a few more decades until we start dropping off at the end of our survivorship curve.

Anyway from my point of view i guess it's just another reminder to be thankful for what you have, live each day for everything that you can. appreciate your friends both when you need a shoulder or happen to be lucky enough to be the shoulder they need.

Oh and happy new year also, Another drop in the bucket another year gone by. Maybe this year something will change for me as well?
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Dec. 13th, 2008 @ 02:16 am Why would anyone want to keep pets?
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Lost in the Humming Air - Harold Bud & Brian Eno
Tags: , ,
They are noisy.
They scratch.
They cost quite a bit of money.
They can smell.
They keep you up at night.
They require a lot of time and attention.
They are needy
They constantly need food, water, and cleaning.
And above all else, they die.

Or more to the point tonight, they kill each other.

Jamie got really aggressive when I put her in the cage with the other chilla's so I put her in her own. After a while I put the babies in the large cage.

Yesterday I put the babies back in with Jamie, I thought it would be nice to not be alone for a while... They squeeked, which they always do when they are together... I didn't know they were fighting that much. I got so busy with finals and work, and everything that I wasn't paying enough attention.

Jamie killed one of her babies today.

I was putting them back in the big cage and got one, then was looking for the other... What is that red stuff on the wood i wondered... I saw her tail behind the house Jamie was hiding in, so i moved the house away, and saw not a happy bouncy chilla, but a beaten, bloodied, dead body.

Death has been a theme for the year. This is the 3rd funeral now. These things come in three's however so i hope this is a good sign. This is the first which wasn't brought about by causes beyond any control. In my head I know "it's not my fault" but I could have prevented it, and part of the blame does lie with me for my part in it.

This week I also named the babies. I wasn't going too because i was going to sell them, but after having them so many weeks they had just worked up to having names, They more told me what their names were than I gave them to them. Gadget and Squeek. Gadget like the mouse in Chip n' Dales Rescue Rangers... She is getting into things and climbing walls and jumping around exploring... Squeek because, well, she squeeked a lot. They were both still to young to tell apart by looks, only by behavior. Right now because the one who is alive is behaving very abnormally (no surprise there) I'm not really sure who died, But i do think that it was squeek.

-------

On the other side of things, Mike and Shay got married today. They had a nice little reception that I almost forgot about and ended up only writing a 3 1/2 page paper for my project instead of a 4 1/2 so I could make it to the reception (Congrats again guys!)

I saw some people from my dept. at school for a bit, it was the pot-luck tonight, we visited for a while, and then I came home... and the rest.. well... is buried in my back yard.



To all those who have gone before us -- I will remember you
To all those yet to come into the world -- I will respect you
To all those yet to leave this life -- You are my sun, moon, and stars
Without you I am nothing, Without you I have no purpose.
Thank you for what you have given me
Thank you for what you have shared
Life is not to be squandered, we only have one,

The best respect I can give for one who has died,
is simply
to live.
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Dec. 1st, 2008 @ 08:52 am Another professor died
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant
Tags: , , ,
I've been a student long enough that I've now had 2 professors die.

The first was over Christmas break, she took her own life. And now Craig Forster... I hadn't had any classes from him yet, just lecture, discussions, and a few e-mail conversations.

It's a sad week for the U, the environmental community, his family and friends, and everyone who knew him.

Goodbye Dr. Forster
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Oct. 20th, 2008 @ 10:05 pm When wishes come true
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: silence... wow...
Tags:
things can work so well on paper and so well in your head, but then when it comes to real life, they are just never the same...
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Sep. 29th, 2008 @ 12:21 am Awesome times
Current Mood: good
Current Music: ambiance
Tags: , ,
So i've now had 2 dates with this girl Angela. She's really cool. There are a couple of things that i'm iffy about... for one she's quite a bit older than I am, which isn't bad, just kinda odd. there's also a couple of personality things which i'm not sure how they will play out yet. She's really a reserved private person which is odd to me too... she seems fairly open when i'm talking to her, but there's a lot hidden away about her as well, it's amystery.

Anyway, i'm having a great time dating her it's a lot of fun.
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Sep. 18th, 2008 @ 10:28 pm New Babies!
Current Location: bedrooms
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: All My Lovin - Paul Mccartney
Tags: , ,
Okay so one (the ebony) is actually 4 and her daughter is 2 already, but still. They're new to me! EXCITING!!!

Need names still, but that's part of the adventure, giving them names :)

They are both fairly social, the white is very social and black is more skittish but that's normal for chilla's.

They are both really new here and are being very shy so i've only got a couple of pictures. Jaeger REALLY doesn't like them (she's so spoiled anyway) I'm seeing major territory issues in the future when they move in together... this is going to be a long slow process...

Anyway, enjoy pics :D







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Sep. 17th, 2008 @ 11:25 pm New Chilla's!
Current Location: Muh Bedroomz!
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Random Trance stuff
Tags: ,
I got a couple of new chinchilla's today. A white and an Ebony... They came with names, but I think I need to change them (ellie & Chicka... Ellie is nice... not so sold on the Chicka...). This pretty sad girl up in Wyoming (Yes I wen to wyoming!) had to get rid of them because she was allergic. I think she spent some time crying and such after we left with them, she seemed pretty upset about it.

But anyway, they are here now and seem to be doing okay, Both are fairly social but scared of being in a new place of course... I'll have pics once they are more comfertable and I let them out to play :D
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Sep. 9th, 2008 @ 03:55 pm Random thought:
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Tags: , ,
Why is it that whenever we feel like things will be okay, we immediately find a dozen reasons why it's not?

Hrm... go figure...
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Aug. 31st, 2008 @ 01:29 pm ICF Camping Trip
Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: good
Current Music: NIN - Vessel
Tags: ,
Went camping yesterday. I love getting out and doing stuff. South Willow Canyon... just outside of grantsville... it's like not even an hour away so SSOOOO pretty. Signs of faeries all over and just felt so homely. It's a place i'll definatly go back to again.

Lots of cool people there too. Roach from work invited me up, there were like 50 people there. I met a few strangers and even got a new hiking buddy! I'm excited for that.

Anyway, it's time for a shower (I think Mitch is done with his) and a tooth brush!

Woot! Had so much fun!
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Aug. 28th, 2008 @ 10:23 pm More classes... and my carbon footprint
Current Location: Muh Bedroom
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: With Gathering Wonder - Tim Janis
Tags: , , ,
So I had my 2nd class of "real" classes today. Biology is starting off on a heavy foot. There is so much in a language that I barely understand... I'll get it, it's just going to be a lot of work to do so!

I have also been trying really hard to not drive my car around... i've been ride sharing, and bussing everywhere I go. My jeep and harley have both been parked since tuesday and I feel good about that also. The down side is that it takes me almost an hour to get to work, and an hour and a half to get home after classes, but I mostly use that time to study / read anyway, so it's not really lost... more like it's reappropriated to give me MORE time to study because i'm taking the 40 - 60 minute commute where all i can do is drive and NOT study out of my day.

Anyway, with this bus stuff, I need to wake up about an hour earlier that I have been in the habit of doing, which means, off to bed for me!
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Aug. 27th, 2008 @ 09:08 pm Classes, Drama, and a new view on the world
Current Location: My Bedroom
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Jewel - Break Me
Tags: , , , ,
So I'm finally taking "real" classes... for the first time since like 2003 when i really committed to Theatre. I got a book called "Get Ready for Biology" The first chapter is all about study habits and such. I'm happy to say that most of them I'm already doing. YAY.

However as these things tend to come up, I noticed a picture hanging on my wall that I sort of always know is there but actually NOTICED today...




A friend gave it too me... it's a Mermaid kissing a faerie (no i didn't spell that wrong)... and the caption says "But Where Would They Live"... It's been a long time since she has talked too me, but I still have fond memories of her. and this picture sort of means something to me now than it ever has before...

Around the first of the month I was having a LOT of drama in my life... Major issues with some friends VERY close to me, Family issues, Legal issues, Money problems... more than just the daily stuff. It seems like when life comes at you it doesn't just throw a lemon it throws the entire tree... sometimes even an orchard.

Anyway, part of what I decided then was to declare myself on a dating moratorium. I wasn't looking for anyone to date, not anything about dating, and although it took me some time to convince myself of it, I wasn't even going to date someone if on the off chance someone else wanted to date me!

What this meant to me was that I was forcing myself, for the first time in probaly 5 years, to focus on ME. I didn't have school or anything else to draw me away from myself... I had drama making me so stressed i've been having nightmares every night and have been physically ill. I am happy to say however, that that feels like it's on the decline.

With this focus on ME and not about my life I have been able to achieve things i've not done in a long time... I have been able to spend more than 20 minutes alone and not get depressed! I have been able to take a nap in the afternoon. I have been able to do these things because I keep discovering things in myself that I hadn't realized were there (or weren't there when I thought they were).

I can enjoy slow tender music without getting depressed... I can relate to the song and reflect on how it shows me my life without it effecting what I think about life. I can remind myself that i'm not going to date anyone, and at any point I can feel like the world has opened up to me because I don't worry about that part of life. Knowing that I'm not going to impress anyone, i'm not going to try to, or care if I do has found within me some sort of freedom that has been pushed under layer and layer of false self-security.

With the month now starting to come to an end, i'm finding that this dating moratorium (Yes I DID in fact come up with this before Alanis Morissette made it a song... or at least before I heard it) has done more than just give me time to deal with the drama that has come up in my life. It's allowing some change in the way I think about life. Things are sort of falling into place and it feels right. Things haven't felt right for me... since last fall. Almost a year before things have been feeling right, and in this way it's not relationship things that feel right, but instead it's my heart for me that feels like things are "more better".

I'm now thinking that I may extend this moratorium a while longer... see where this new way of thinking, feeling, seeing, and exploring life will lead me too. With the new semester comes new people, study groups and labs, strangers and all the like... How will I deal with people in this new frame of mind? I don't know... I had my head wrapped around who i was pretty well, and I've been looking for my self-identity ever since then.

I question who I am more now than ever, which makes me think I know less than I thought I did. But at the same time, for the first time I've got Ambition! I've got things I WANT to do! I have something to work towards doing, instead of just floating through life. I might even (dare I say it?) have found some sort of direction?!?

Anyway, what does this all have to do with "But where would they live?"
Looking at myself as a "more whole" person... I can see that my world is not the amorphious blob of a structure than I wanted to believe it was. Intead it's more of a... semi-permiable flexible structure. There's definately structure to my world, and I am starting to see how it is not able to bend in some ways. . . Where would they live, when they don't have anywhere to live? My answer is still "Why does it matter?" But instead of thinking that "Anywhere" is also an answer, it's now "Why does it matter?" as long as they BOTH want to be there.



Anyway, that's my rant for the evening, long winded blog on the things that have been going through my mind the last few weeks.
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Aug. 22nd, 2008 @ 11:54 pm Drama Day
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Tarja Turunen
So today I met, in person, all of the people who have been at the heart of the drama in my life...

Things went as well as they can I suppose. Of course there are things that could have gone better, but for my part I think I did the best I could, and the reactions from others are pretty much what I expected.

Things that I can't control really suck. I have no way of fixing things that are Dependant on how someone will react to things that come up. It's irritating, but such is life. Oh well, Now all I can do is hope for the best in things, and ride it out... i've done my part and extended the olive branches as far as I can, put my bleeding heart on my sleeve and it didn't get beat... so hopefully that means things will be getting better.

I hope so.

Please?
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Aug. 21st, 2008 @ 12:24 am Clean Room
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Megadeath - This was my life
Tags: ,
I cleaned my room tonight... it isn't vacuumed but it's also about 20 minutes after midnight so that's not going to happen.

Cleaning can be very therapeutic... it requires just enough brain power that you can't dwell on the things that are bothering you.

The problem of course is once your done you still feel all hollow and empty. Granted you do feel that way in a nice clean room, but it's also hours past the time you should have gone to bed and because you've been active you're not sleepy.

Maybe if I stopped having nightmares I wouldn't mind sleeping as much?
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Aug. 15th, 2008 @ 11:30 pm nicks birthday and still thinking about moving
Current Location: My bedroom
Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: Point of no Return - DJ Encore
Tags: , , , ,
It's Nick's birthday today... My little brother is 20 years old now... Man it seems like such a short time ago he was just such a little kid! crazy how times goes by so quick like that.

I was talking to my mom today about moving away. The more I think about it the more excited I get. New Zealand is sounding really cool. Every time I look something up I get all antsy about it... Need to start saving money and researching emigration laws and such. the more I think about it though the more I'm thinking I really want to do this.

Every major decision in the last several years of my life... where to go to school, what to study, why not to move a few years ago, why take a trip to London, where to get a job... have all been more than a little bit effected by one of four or five girls in my life. I can trace the decision's I've been making back almost exclusively to one of them.

This isn't entirely separated from that... more like they are a part of me making the decision for myself though rather than making the decision because of some future choice i'm hoping they will make if i do this.

...

I am left to wonder however; If I move, Will I come home? My mom was talking about it like it would be a couple of years and "when I come back" I can do this and that... I'm thinking though... what if I DON'T come back? When I go, there's no rule stating that I need to live in utah again... Ever... There's a whole world out there, and i've been stuck in this small bubble for a long long time... I want something more than what i'm finding here.

I just hate doing things alone... If not for that bit, I would have gone long ago...
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Aug. 11th, 2008 @ 10:39 pm Still thinking about going...
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Your New Twin Sized Bed
Tags: ,
It's August 11th now... 20 more days until the end of the month... things right now are looking more and more like New Zealand is the place for me... I've been hiking more and more (Lake Blanch yesterday, yay) and I can't really think of anywhere else i'd rather go hiking right now then there... If i leave end of winterish... well februrary ish i guess... would be a good time to hit down there.

Plan a 2 week vacation between jobs... find a cruise or something of the islands, do all the touristy stuff, search for apartments (flats?) while i'm doing that stuff... then by the time work is getting ready to start i've got my head in a good place for the city and hopefully a good place to stay also.

So that's my current plan. I invited my cousin to move with me too... she's being indecisive though... who knows? I'm ready to go alone either way though...
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Aug. 7th, 2008 @ 11:01 pm NPR, moving, money, and a car
Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: California' Dreamin
Tags: , , , ,
So i'm back on this NPR kick. I go through them occasionally... this one has lasted like a month and a half now though. I listen almost every day. it's so addictive. All the world news, stuff that's going on, political schemes. ARGHH!!! I want so much to change the things that are happening in the world... Maybe one day i'll run for the senate? That could be good.

I'm also thinking more and more about leaving Salt Lake... The reasons i'm here almost all revolve around some girl or another. Now that I've been assured by everyone that I'm interested in that the feeling is unrequited i'm finding myself thinking more and more... why am I here?

I looked on monster.com really quick... sure enough every city/country I looked at is hiring lots of people with my qualifications. I'm not really surprised, i've got 3 resumes... one for IT (most $$$), one for Theatre(Most fun), and a general service technican one (good balance). I qualify for at least 1 year work visa's in every country i looked at, and even a permenant emmigrant work visa for Australia and New Zealand... hmmm....

Right now i'm thinking that if at the end of the month I still want to go i'll start actually making plans to leave... Feb. 16th probibly... spend one more Valentines day with my mom (Val's day is on a saturday this year), and have time to save up some money.

If I stay in the states i'm also going to be buying a new car... Toyota Prius hybrid 2008. Mmmmm... pretty car :D

Also speaking of the end of the month i've decided that it's time for a dating moratorium for me. I need some time to not even think about the stresses invovled with trying to date people... it will last at least through the end of the month. I've had enough emotional trauma the last few weeks... I wasn't even dating anyway, but as has been proven before, I don't need to be WITH someone to form very close bonds to them... and just like has happened historically, my feelings aren't mutual.

Anyway, that's enough story time. off to bed for me because i've got works in the morning.
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